It’s almost 3:00 AM. I’ve been up 3 times already with baby tonight. My mind is overwhelming and I need to get this out before I can fall asleep.
Things have never been good with my in-laws. They do not approve of N being with me and they firmly believe their now poor relationship with him and his decision to end his career in medicine is 100% because of me. There is very little contact with them, but his dad called a couple of weeks ago and N decided to answer. His dad stated that he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t talk to them, he said because it’s difficult and it makes him sad. His dad said it makes them sad that he doesn’t talk to them and said some heartfelt stuff and finally ended it with, “You and [baby] are still our family, we love you both.” N told him his entire speech was very telling because not once did he mention his wife and his dad gave some lame excuse.
His dad’s words have weighed heavily on my mind ever since. Somehow they felt different than they have in the past. More absolute, maybe. I know N chose me, I know it’s his life, but I also see the sadness he has over not having his family… and I don’t think I can be with him knowing my place in it.
I don’t know which way my soul would feel saddest. Standing between him and his family, or giving up my partner by giving him back that happiness and belonging.
I have been binge eating for the last two or three weeks. I’ve honestly lost track, maybe it’s even longer. I’ve tried listening to this Brain Over Binge podcast. It says that your higher brain has to realize you don’t want to eat or something but the thing is… every part of my brain is engulfed in darkness. I eat because I want to self harm. I eat because I can’t really come up with a good reason to keep going. So I eat food that tastes good and I snuggle with Little C when I’m not struggling to get through the work day/every other aspect of life right now.
I took him in for his 9 month well visit today and he’s pretty significantly behind on his gross motor skills. All I can think about is how I’m failing him. Logically I can talk your ear off about how I’m not worried 😊 because every baby develops differently 😀 at their own pace 👍 and this is just his pace ☺️ but internally everything is a mess. I think about Big C and how badly I failed her, and now I’m failing him. I just want him to be happy and healthy.
I’m also not sure what’s happening in my marriage right now. He said he doesn’t know if he can do it because when he thinks about it, it just feels like work. This is an immediate trigger for me and I shut down. My ex used to say things like that. Loving me is hard, loving me is work. I told him that would have been nice to know before we had a baby or, you know, before we got married. He’s assured me he was referring to the housework and things of that nature that I want his help with regularly and not me, but I’m not in a place right now where I can get my brain to refocus the statement. What I heard is that I’m work and he’s not sure that I’m worth it. I feel broken.
In other news they want to give me more responsibility at work and I’m barely holding my shit together as it 🙃
If you think this is the only donut I bought today, you’re way underestimating the amount of anxiety I’m trying to drown with food.
Life feels like a giant meaningless pit of despair. I live every day for others. I do nothing of value; not at work and not at home. And no matter how much I love my son or how much happiness he brings me, I am aware every single moment that at any time he could be ripped from me.